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It was the lark.
Jan. 22nd, 2007 04:40 pmI think that fandom and I have gone our seperate ways.
I'm sure we'll still wave when we pass each other in the street, and who knows, maybe we'll even do coffee from time to time; God knows we've already pencilled each other in for some quality time on March 11th.
There's a hundred half-written fics that I'd love to finish, and another hundred stories I haven't even tried to start. But now there's a huge don't-care Elephant in the room and honestly, I'd rather there weren't. It's nice and it's friendly, and it even moves when I want to use the mirror, but I haven't given it a name, and it keeps stepping on my toes when I mistake it for my lamp.
I mostly don't want to make a big deal out of this, because it's not, and I'll probably come crawling back - or at least skulk outside in the rain when I'm having a particularly bad day.
But to me, it kind of is a big deal. I'm not a writer, but I do like to write and fandom gave me what meager skills I have. It would take me much too long to describe what I like about writing, which is quite different that what I've always loved about reading, and besides, I wouldn't even know where to start.
What I do want to say is that I think fandom is where I put the emotion, the frustration, the joy, that was methodically being leeched from music, from my playing; in the cliché quest for accuracy and technique. My technique has improved massively, but I was really shocked last Thursday to find an actual wall of fear between bland but controlled, and passion at the expense of a few mistakes. Which is totally not what I'm about, but it's there anyways: a passive "don't yell at me anymore, I'll play it safe" wall. Which hurts.
It's kind of like I took the deepest, darkest part of me - the part that I didn't want to lose - and stuck it in a safe-box for three years. So there it sat and waited, and churned out weird stories about knights and kings, spies, vampires, and sometimes even about a boy named Owen, and hismare stallion gelding named Happy.
Weird, huh?
Now I want that part of me back, and I'm not saying that I can't do both - write and play - it's just that I want to give music my full attention for a little while now.
I'll see you around :)
I'm sure we'll still wave when we pass each other in the street, and who knows, maybe we'll even do coffee from time to time; God knows we've already pencilled each other in for some quality time on March 11th.
There's a hundred half-written fics that I'd love to finish, and another hundred stories I haven't even tried to start. But now there's a huge don't-care Elephant in the room and honestly, I'd rather there weren't. It's nice and it's friendly, and it even moves when I want to use the mirror, but I haven't given it a name, and it keeps stepping on my toes when I mistake it for my lamp.
I mostly don't want to make a big deal out of this, because it's not, and I'll probably come crawling back - or at least skulk outside in the rain when I'm having a particularly bad day.
But to me, it kind of is a big deal. I'm not a writer, but I do like to write and fandom gave me what meager skills I have. It would take me much too long to describe what I like about writing, which is quite different that what I've always loved about reading, and besides, I wouldn't even know where to start.
What I do want to say is that I think fandom is where I put the emotion, the frustration, the joy, that was methodically being leeched from music, from my playing; in the cliché quest for accuracy and technique. My technique has improved massively, but I was really shocked last Thursday to find an actual wall of fear between bland but controlled, and passion at the expense of a few mistakes. Which is totally not what I'm about, but it's there anyways: a passive "don't yell at me anymore, I'll play it safe" wall. Which hurts.
It's kind of like I took the deepest, darkest part of me - the part that I didn't want to lose - and stuck it in a safe-box for three years. So there it sat and waited, and churned out weird stories about knights and kings, spies, vampires, and sometimes even about a boy named Owen, and his
Weird, huh?
Now I want that part of me back, and I'm not saying that I can't do both - write and play - it's just that I want to give music my full attention for a little while now.
I'll see you around :)
